A veto is a formal power granted to one partner in a hierarchical polyamorous relationship to end or significantly restrict another partner's outside relationship. The term is borrowed from political usage — the power to reject an otherwise approved decision — and retains that sense of override authority. Veto agreements are most common in primary-secondary structures where an established couple reserves the right to intervene in one partner's additional connections.
Veto is one of the more contested terms in polyamorous communities, carrying strong opinions on both sides. Proponents of veto agreements argue that they are a reasonable safety net for primary partnerships, particularly in the early stages of opening a relationship: a way to ensure that neither partner ends up in a situation they can't tolerate, with the security of knowing the primary bond is protected. Critics argue that vetoes treat people as disposable by third parties rather than as autonomous individuals with their own feelings and stakes in the relationship.
The ethical problem that critics identify is not the desire for security that veto agreements express but the mechanism itself. When one partner vetoes another's relationship, the person most directly affected is often the outside partner — someone who has developed genuine feelings, invested real time and vulnerability, and is then told the relationship is ending not because of anything between them but because of a decision made elsewhere. Many polyamorous practitioners argue that this kind of unilateral power over another person's relationship is ethically unjustifiable regardless of the security it provides to the people exercising it.
Alternative frameworks attempt to address the underlying concern — the desire to have standing to raise serious concerns about a partner's new connections — without granting unilateral override power. These approaches distinguish between the right to raise concerns, be heard, and negotiate together versus the right to issue an override. The difference matters because it locates the resolution in mutual decision-making rather than in one person's authority.
The word veto appears most frequently in conversations about what new people entering non-monogamy should understand before establishing their initial agreements. Many experienced practitioners advise against veto agreements not because the underlying concern is illegitimate but because veto power tends to be used in moments of anxiety or insecurity in ways that cause harm to people outside the primary relationship who have done nothing wrong.
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definition contributed by Tessakin